Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Where I Am

Ok, I admit it. I'm having a hard time, and I don't want to tell anyone because I'm 1) ashamed of myself for having such a hard time with something as seemingly innocuous as food, and 2) convinced that those who read this won't understand. And most probably won't. Fact is, until you've stood in front of a vending machine, dollar in hand, fighting the urge to buy a package of Ding Dongs, you won't understand. What makes a grown man want to sneak food into a bathroom stall and devour it while perched on the toilet like a big fat gargoyle? I have no idea. I mean, logistically I understand not wanting to be seen eating foods that, as a diabetic, I'm not supposed to have. I also understand the urgency to eat it quickly, destroying the evidence of my failure. If it were a carrot stick or a stalk of celery, I'd have no problem being seen with it. I might even flaunt it. What I don't understand is why I feel compelled to eat things that I sometimes don't even truly want. Sometimes the food has absolutely no flavor or texture, but the mere act of consuming it is a physical and emotional release. And then afterwards I hate myself with the fire of a thousand suns. Ok, that's a little dramatic. Let's say a hundred suns. Then, the voices start floating around in my head, telling me that I'm never going to beat this and that I might as well give up. I know better, but I can't change the station. That comes from my depression, and recently it's been worse. I'm getting close to the end of my freelance contract at work. To say that I'm anxious about my January 31 contract renewal would be like saying that I have a little weight problem. I don't want to go through another year, or even another month, of unemployment. I don't want to leave this job. I love my job. I love my coworkers. I've made friends and found a place where I finally feel like I fit in and enjoy what I do. The thought of losing that coupled with the prospect of job hunting in this economy has delivered a psychiatric one-two punch that has me reeling. So that's where I am. But things will get better. They almost always do.