Monday, June 8, 2009

Re: Hygiene

To: The driver of a red Ford Bronco whom I had the unfortunate experience of being stuck behind

From: Alan Simmons

Date: June 8, 2009

Re: Hygiene

There is no easy or delicate way to say this, sir. You stink. I was northbound on Walton Blvd. today when I let you in front of me as you exited the Radio Shack parking lot. It wasn’t long before I regretted that decision. The weather was nice, so I didn’t need the A/C, but I had my vents open to get a little air. As I rode behind you, a distinctly pungent odor began to creep through my vents and into my vehicle, invading—no, violating my nostrils. That odor? That would be your nasty body, sir. Do you know what it means when your body odor is so powerful that the person in the vehicle behind you can smell it? In the simplest of terms, it means that you need a bath. Not just a bath; you need a scrubbing down that would make the shower scene from Silkwood look like a baby christening. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around how you got to your present level of stinkiness without a family member, friend, or—let’s face it—neighbor saying something to you. It’s called soap, sir, and it’s available at most fine retailers. It doesn’t matter what brand or scent you choose (at this point, vinegar would be a step in the right direction). But here’s the trick with soap: you have to use it every day. And be careful; something tells me that you may, at least initially, have an adverse reaction to it. Keep some Benadryl nearby just in case. And let’s not forget deodorant. A couple of quick swipes or sprays will do wonders. I’m tempted to suggest additional methods for you to de-stinkify yourself, e.g., burning your clothes and vehicle, but let’s keep it simple for now. Now go. Buy soap, deodorant, and no fewer than a dozen of those little pine trees to hang in your vehicle. Let Operation Loofah commence! And in the mean time? Roll up your windows, dude. Seriously.