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Saturday, May 23, 2009

Shut Up and Pee

I really am an advocate of cell phones. Really. I believe that, not unlike computers or lawn darts, cell phones are intrinsically good but often misused. Or maybe overused is the term I’m searching for. At any given point in your day, you can look around and see people talking and driving. Talking and shopping. Talking and eating. Have we, as a society, really gotten so busy that we’re forced to multi-task all the freakin’ time? If this is indeed the case, we need some boundaries as to what activities may be conducted simultaneously. I submit the following for your amusement:

I stopped by Wal-Mart yesterday to pick up a few things and made a quick stop in the restroom because I had to pee like Seabiscuit. As I was washing my hands afterward, a really skeevy-looking guy in a Motley Crue tee shirt, ratty jeans, and flip flops came flapping in and sidled up to the urinal. As he was, um, “conducting his business”, he pulled out his cell phone to make a one-handed call and then began talking so loudly that I nearly soiled myself.

“HEY, IT’S ME… YEAH, I’M IN BENTONVILLE…IN WAL-MART.”

In the bathroom. Talking to you while I urinate.

“NO, HE AIN’T CALLED YET. HE BETTER SOON, OR I’LL WRING HIS NECK”

I hope he washes his hands first...

“ARE Y’ALL COMIN’ TO THE WEDDIN’?”

Ah, redneck nuptials are afoot.

“Y’ALL BETTER BE THERE. IF I’VE GOT TO BE THE (expletive deleted) BEST MAN, Y’ALL BETTER SHOW UP.”

They’ve consciously chosen to let him hold the ring? Now I really hope he washes his hands.

“HELL, YEAH WE’RE GETTIN’ DRUNK. THAT’S WHAT WEDDIN’S ARE FOR, MAN.”

Yeah. Pretty sure that’s just what God had in mind when he created the institution of marriage. One man. One woman. And an open bar.

“OK, I’LL LET YOU GO. YOU TELL DEAN TO CALL ME TODAY. LATER.”

With that, he slipped the phone back into his pocket, finished up, and walked right past the sink and out the door. I wish I knew how to warn Dean…



~Alan

2 comments:

The Tomball Three said...

Ha! You've just described half my family.

WOMEN go into the bathroom to talk on their phone "privately" ... i can not tell you the number of times i've been in here on the pot, when some lady comes in and calls her best friend to chat. in the background I know they can hear my urination and of course, the classy sound of the toilet flush. when I go into a bathroom, and someone is in there having a conversation, i turn around and walk right back out.

Tracy said...

When someone calls me and I can tell they are on the crapper, I make them hang up and call me back. Not that it happens a lot... actually it's usually only my husband. And my brother. Well, and that one really weird call from Pastor John. :)

Love ya! Keep em' comin!!!!